Evil Scales!

Yesterday, I had a physical.  It went really well, my doctor lowered my blood pressure medication and was satisfied with my lifestyle strategies overall.  When the nurse weighed me, I asked her to do a “blind” weight.  In the eating disorder world, patients are encouraged to forgo weighing themselves independent of the treatment staff who use weights as a metric to gauge treatment success.  We get weighed but aren’t told the number, hence, “blind” weights.  Over the last couple of months, I have been so tempted to get on the scale (I haven’t seen “my number” in a year and a half) but have resisted because I knew it wouldn’t contribute positively to my recovery.

When I got home from the visit, I was feeling good but then reviewed my visit summary and, unbeknownst to me, my weight was staring me in the face and it wasn’t pretty.  I went from feeling good to feeling crappy in 0.2 seconds.  I was blindsided, I cried, I was disappointed, angry and dejected.  Of course, I wasn’t focusing on the positive but on that stupid number because it was nowhere near where I wanted it to be.  Even though I have improved my eating habits, almost eliminated my binge episodes and lost 3 sizes, it still wasn’t good enough.  So, I spent part of the night allowing myself to feel crappy and then trying to make myself feel better by reiterating all of my accomplishments over the last year and a half.  The good news is that I didn’t binge about it and the bad news is I still know that gosh darn number.

4 thoughts on “Evil Scales!

  1. Keep focusing on the positive. You handled the situation so well, forget the number think about your accomplishments. Stay positive xo

  2. No binge in the face of extreme emotion?! That’s recovery right there! Amazing example of how far you’ve come.

  3. Michelle,
    I am so proud of you for facing this head on and being brave enough to post your feelings online for everyone to see. Way to go girl. We all have down days and we just have to get through them and pick ourselves up and look forward to the next day .
    You did not binge and that is a huge step!!

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