Lost

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I was discharged from my treatment center earlier than normal at my request.  You see, I was very uncomfortable in my Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) and I felt attending was doing more harm than good and causing undue stress.  I was back to work full time and driving an hour each way to treatment 3 nights per week after working a full day was a real drag, especially at 9 at night.

The protocol upon discharge was to continue with individual therapy and nutrition counseling.  Unfortunately, due to insurance reasons I was unable to see the therapist and nutritionist assigned to me at my treatment center so the continuity of care was severed.  I had to start with a brand new therapist and nutritionist and tell my story all over again.  It was an emotionally challenging experience to open up about my eating disorder the first time and the second time wasn’t much easier.  I felt lost with nowhere to turn because the treatment center was no longer a good option (for many reasons) and the new folks, although well-meaning, just weren’t helpful.   So, I binged.

The Perfect Excuse

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I was having lunch with a great woman yesterday (and an even better friend!) who is really quite soulful so I’m not surprised that I came away from lunch with the subject of today’s blog post…Perfectionism.

We were talking about perfectionism and how I once strove for perfection in most things that I did.  I realized that my quest for perfection was the permission I needed to emotionally abuse myself because we all know that perfection is unattainable.  If I didn’t hit the mark 100% of the time or I used the wrong word in a meeting, I beat myself up because it wasn’t perfect.  It was the perfect excuse to reinforce my toxic belief that “I’m not good enough.”  Just another reason that being “perfectly imperfect” is the way to self-acceptance and joy.

Long Island Eating Disorders Conference

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On Saturday, I had the opportunity to attend the Long Island Eating Disorders Conference which was a wonderful, FREE, program designed to educate the public about eating disorders and their cutting edge treatments.  The speakers included various clinicians from leading eating disorder treatment centers from around the country.  There were also uplifting recovery stories from those who have struggled with various disorders.

The most intriguing talk was delivered by Dr. Jeffrey DeSarbo (who founded the conference) who discussed how the workings of the brain (i.e. blood flow patterns) are different in those with eating disorders from those with normal eating habits.  This is fascinating information!  I just knew I needed to get my brain re-wired to beat this Binge-Eating Disorder of mine!

Thanks to Dr. DeSarbo and his Team for organizing the event and to the Sponsors who make it possible to attend free of charge.

For more information about the conference, please click here.

Mouth Hunger

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Jan Chozen Bays, MD defines mouth hunger as the “mouth’s desire for pleasurable sensations.”  She postulates that, “the key to satisfying mouth hunger is to be present at the party in the mouth.  This means to place the focus of our mind in our mouth and to open our awareness to all the textures, movements, smells, sounds, and taste sensations of eating and drinking.”

When we distract during mealtimes with television, reading or fast eating, we don’t satiate our mouth hunger and we continue to eat (past the point of fullness) to satisfy the mouth’s desire.

Angry Birds

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I have anger issues.  I’m not embarrassed to admit it but I have been ashamed of my behavior at times when I’ve reacted to a situation out of anger.  I’ve been working on trying to release my anger and I think the work may be paying off!  I had a situation yesterday that, a few months ago, would have gotten me so angry that I would have given someone a major attitude about it.  When this situation presented itself, I felt myself getting annoyed and angry but was able to recognize it and pull it back into a more constructive emotion.  Because, really, in the scheme of things does the unexpected Directv guy’s visit really warrant anger and the energy it takes to be angry?  I don’t think so although if you saw the movie, The Cable Guy, you may beg to differ!  🙂

Transitions

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I’m going through yet another transition in my life from working full-time at an office to working full-time from home.  During these times of transition, I’ve noticed a pattern with my food habits and become confused about food.  Yes, I know I have been eating for 41 years now and I know, intellectually, what nutritious meals consist of but I just can’t get it together during times of change!  Eventually I will create a routine that works but this floundering is for the birds…

Treatment – Coping Skills

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A key strategy to avoid bingeing that was taught in my treatment center was the use of coping skills.  They could be anything you like to do to distract from the urge to use symptoms (in my case, bingeing).  I typically read, listened to music, wrote in my journal or did counted cross stitching.  After months of invoking coping skills to avoid binges, I realized that using coping skills, while mostly effective, was more “muscling” and “willing” my binges away instead of identifying the root cause to decrease or eliminate them.  I realize that getting to the root cause can take time so coping skills are a good short-term tool to deal with the urges.  I use coping skills to tackle binge urges but very rarely because I prefer to rely on intuitive and mindful eating.  I’ve also realized that my binge urges are cluing me into something about my emotional state so I don’t want to “will” them away but meet them head on to figure out what’s going on in the moment.

Control Freaks

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To me, the word control has a negative connotation.  One of the definitions of control, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, is “to have power over.”  There are some instances where control is a good thing…like when operating heavy machinery but, in life and dealing with feelings or emotions, control is usually an illusion.  We know we can’t control others (even children) and when we try to control ourselves, we become wound so tight that the pressure needs to be released somehow.  The release is, especially for me, destructive and usually in the form of binge-eating.  The need for control (and we all have it!) results in some type of struggle and can be exhausting especially when binge-eating is involved.  Every tightly controlled diet and exercise program throws us binge-eaters into a binge.  What would happen if we let go of the control?  I bet we’d be surprised by the outcome.  Let’s experiment – let go of the control for a couple of days and see what happens and please post your experiences!  See you in the Comments!

Event #2

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Back in January I blogged about an event I went to where people I hadn’t seen in many years attended and which caused me great anxiety.  The good news is I survived and the even better news is that I have a similar event today about which I have very little anxiety.  In thinking about why my anxiety has decreased, I’ve come up with 2 reasons.  One is that I endured the first event which went better than expected.  The second is that my revelation that “I’m The Only One” who needs to approve of myself eliminated some of the thoughts about what others will think of my weight.  I’m not gonna lie…I have a little anxiety and have thoughts about what others will think but they don’t hold as much weight (pardon the pun!) as before thereby diminishing their importance.  Maybe, just maybe, I can see my way to a healthier body image and self-esteem someday soon.

I’m sorry that I missed posting over the last few days.  I continued to have technical issues with my website that are resolved and I look forward to being back daily.  If you like what you’re reading, please share with your friends and subscribe to get new posts sent directly to your email!