“Don’t Believe the Rumor” – Part 1

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I have evolved to a place in my treatment where I am exploring Buddhist principles and I have a wonderful therapist who is helping me in this quest.  Seriously, she is amazing.  She shared a passage from the Buddha that encourages free thinking and, in a society that favors conformity, I found it to be quite liberating.  The passage is on the long side so I will share a portion of it each Sunday until it is finished.  My intention is to bring about awareness of our core beliefs, how we came to believe them and examine if they still ring true for us.  Here we go….

“Do not believe a thing simply because it has been said.”

This resonates with me because I have heard from so many that “I am not my weight” and “weight doesn’t define you.” Just because this has been said to me doesn’t mean I believed it then or now.  I realized I have to find my own way to achieve stronger self-esteem and that requires more than words from another.

Yikes – A Trigger!

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It’s winter and since I grew up and live in the Northeast, we get snow!  I have fond memories of snowstorms growing up where we baked while cozy at home, therefore, the association of baking during snowstorms is natural.  Well, we got a snowstorm on Thursday and, SURPRISE, I wanted to bake.  Although I follow a food plan where I eat what I want in a mindful way (eating when hungry and stopping when full) and no food is taboo, I wanted to avoid the pitfall of a potential binge after the baking was done!  They tell me that awareness is the first step in heading off the urge so I was happy I identified the all too familiar feeling.

So, what did I do?  Well, I thought about stopping at the local grocery to buy ingredients for my favorite food, chocolate chip cookies, until I remembered the last time.   I ate some each day for days but didn’t binge on them, however, after the treats were gone, I really didn’t feel great about having eaten them.

I have found, after being in recovery for a year and a half, that I have delved deeper into mindful eating where I try to anticipate the way I may feel after eating.  Since I didn’t feel great the last time I indulged, I decided that I didn’t want to feel that way again. Proudly, I resisted the trip to the grocery this time!

I’m happy that this is 1 stepping stone closer to hitting my LifeStride!!!!!!!!!!!!

1st Day of Treatment

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On August 15, 2012, I arrived at the Renfrew Center in Old Greenwich, Connecticut to start treatment.  I was to be there 5 days a week for 5 weeks – talk about intense!  Upon arrival, I had no idea what to expect and was feeling nervous, anxious and embarrassed.  I walked into a room full of girls and women who were 20 years younger and looked nothing like me and, as you can imagine, my discomfort grew exponentially.  Not only did I feel like a “fish out of water”, I was expected to attend group therapy with strangers!  Ummm – I didn’t do group therapy.  However, my tune quickly changed as the group started sharing and I realized that I had more in common with these wonderful young women than I thought and that’s when the tears began.

Pre-Intervention

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Prior to my mom’s intervention, I really didn’t care what happened to me.  Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t reckless or suicidal (I’m a wimp when it comes to anticipating pain) but I wasn’t scared of having a heart attack or anything else that could happen as a result of being so heavy.  At that point, I had tried every diet and exercise program and was so defeated and despondent because I never stuck to them so nothing improved.  I had no idea what to do so I kept eating, gaining more weight, feeling ashamed and embarrassed and like a complete failure.  My relationships with family and friends were superficial, at best.  I avoided many social situations and deflected conversation pertaining to me for fear of having to open up.  I was functioning, going to work and hanging out with family and friends but I now realize that I was just going through the motions.  I am amazed that I even did that given the deflated emotional state in which I existed.

Happy New Year!

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I’ve been thinking about New Year’s Resolutions and trying to decide if I think they’re good, bad or neutral.  Here’s what I’ve come up with:  I think most resolutions are unrealistic and are, therefore, broken resulting in feelings of failure.  In this case, I can do without them.

Maybe a better strategy is to resolve to do the things in life that make you feel good and happy…taking up a new hobby, identifying your passion, calling {insert name here} more or looking in the mirror and saying something nice to yourself.  This year, I don’t think it should involve weight or diets or exercise or any of the self-loathing that goes along with those types of resolutions.

So, I am choosing a resolution that will result in good things and not in negative feelings and that is to practice “living mindfully and in the moment” because, when it comes down to it, that is all we have.

Happy New Year and heart-felt wishes for the best ever 2014!!

Why LifeStrides?

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Some of you may be wondering what “LifeStrides:  Stepping Stones to Wellness”  means.  Well, this is the name of the Treatment Center that will be opened in 2014 to treat people with binge-eating disorder, obesity and other issues related to unhealthy relationships with food, diets and weight.

Life strides forward are best made through stepping stones (small successes) that ultimately add up to create a better, more fulfilling life.

The mission of the Center is to free people from the self-inflicted torture of diets and exercise that don’t work and focus on strategies that WILL work to create healthy bodies, minds and souls.

The Intervention

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The day was August 7, 2012 and it was a Tuesday when my mom showed up at my apartment, an hour and a half’s drive from her house, to perform an intervention.  The intervention initially was about the weight I had gained (and continued to gain) and the associated health risks, however, it turned out to be much more meaningful than that.  This teary, raw, painful and emotional conversation changed the course of my life because it prompted me to face the reality of what I was doing to myself.  Who knew I would be diagnosed with a binge-eating disorder in subsequent days and needed to enter a day program for 5 weeks to receive intensive treatment?!?!  I made the decision to take a medical leave of absence from work to enter treatment which turned out to be the best decision of my life…

On another note, I wanted to thank everyone who has emailed, posted comments on this blog and liked the blog on Facebook.  This outpouring of support has deeply touched my heart and made me truly thankful for everyone in my life.  As long as you keep reading, I’ll keep writing.  I love you all!

Binge-Eating Disorder Definition

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Many people don’t know what a binge-eating disorder (BED) is despite it being more common than its better known cousins, anorexia and bulimia.  Here’s a good definition that I’ve pieced together during my research on the topic:

People with binge-eating disorder (BED) experience episodes of binge-eating during which they consume large quantities of food in a brief period over which they have no control.  Binge-eating is chronic and can lead to serious health complications, particularly severe obesity, diabetes, hypertension and cardiovascular diseases (American Psychiatric Association). 

The causes of BED are not fully known or understood.  It is believed that it can be hereditary, stress related or caused by emotional trauma.

To date there is no cure for BED but lifetime recovery is possible with appropriate, ongoing treatment and lifestyle changes. 

Until next time….

Welcome!

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Hello and Welcome to LifeStrides:  my binge-eating disorder blog!

This is my first official post and I’m really excited to share my experience recovering from my binge-eating disorder diagnosis and life-long struggle with my weight.  So much and so many have helped me through this and my hope is that I can help others out of the torture of obsessing about weight, diets and exercise to the exclusion of what’s really important….living life in a healthy, happy and meaningful way.

Stay tuned, I’ll post regularly and would love to see your comments and thoughts.  Until next time…