Did you ever look back on life’s events and disappointments and wonder how it all happened or how it managed to work out?  There have been many times in my life where I was so bummed that something didn’t go the way I’d planned but, inevitably, I was always glad that things turned out the way they did.  It makes me think that there is a larger force in the Universe that is looking out for me and pulling the right strings at exactly the right time.  That faith has gotten me through some tough times and hasn’t failed me yet!

Sometimes I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect and do the right thing, that I forget to be in the moment and enjoy life.  It leads me to feeling trapped and dejected because the expectation to be perfect inevitably leads to my core belief that “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not doing enough” to meet my goals.   No one is perfect or can be perfect.  Perfection is an unrealistic expectation so why does it feel so crappy to fall short?

It’s National Eating Disorder Awareness Week! 

More people than you think are walking around with eating disorders.  It’s a difficult existence because not only do we struggle with food and body image constantly but most of us show our pain outwardly through the shape of our bodies.  Unfortunately, most people think it’s just a matter of eating more food (for anorexics or bulimics) or about eating less and exercising more (for bingers) to heal.  If it were that easy, we wouldn’t need an Eating Disorder Awareness week.

For more information on Eating Disorders, check out:

www.neda.org     ~or~          www.beda.org

I booked a trip to Colorado in May because I will be a conference (excited!).  Previously, when I’ve booked trips, I always counted the months until departure and calculated the amount of weight I could lose until I left .  I never, not even once, got close to losing the calculated amount of weight.  The urge to do this calculation is rearing its ugly head since I just booked a trip.  Instead, I will “love what is” and think about the people I’ll meet and the friends with whom I’ll reconnect instead of torturing myself with more numbers.

In thinking about the “Don’t Believe the Rumor” passage, I have come to the conclusion that my experiences, thus far, have solidified my toxic belief that I’m not good enough because of my weight.  I’ve had at least 5 experiences where men, ranging from relatives to boyfriends to complete strangers, have negatively commented about my weight.  One went so far as to say that I needed to lose weight in order to get married.

Unfortunately, these comments came at times in my life where I was already insecure about my appearance so they served to further ingrain the belief.  It has been so difficult to even begin to overcome these experiences and rid myself of this toxic thinking.  I continue to work on it but I really wish people would keep their comments to themselves sometimes.

I didn’t get the scholarship to B-School but, after the initial disappointment, I’m happy that I decided to go out on a limb, record that video and post it.  It was worth the effort because I’ve proven that I am transforming.  A year ago I NEVER would have posted a video of myself online so this is a big accomplishment.  I will just have to find another way to enroll in B-School – nothing worth having comes easy, right?!?!

Why do we worry?  More importantly, why do we spend so much time worrying about our weight?  Most people don’t worry about weight for health reasons but for vanity reasons…why?  I bet that the amount of energy I expended, throughout my entire life worrying about weight, could provide an alternative energy source to the US releasing our reliance on foreign oil!

Although I have stopped some of this worrying, I still find myself doing a good amount of it regarding weight.  What if what I’m doing stops working and I don’t continue to lose weight or progress through my transformation?  What if no one will date me because of how much I weigh?  Will others comment on my weight?

It’s really quite exhausting.  If this energy was harnessed into a more worthy endeavor I bet it would be pretty successful…If only getting rid of the worry were that easy!

I’m still thinking about that video.  It was so hard to see what I looked like the first time I watched it…it’s still hard to watch.  You see, I have severe mirror and body avoidance so, when I look in the mirror, it is rarely for long and rarely full length.  So, I don’t really SEE myself but, when it’s reflected back in a video, there is no denying the truth.  Of course, I didn’t like what I saw and was disappointed that I’m not thinner.  But, I’m going to own my weight and face the reality.  Maybe if I own it, the reality will be easier to accept and I won’t spend so much energy avoiding it.

It took a lot for me to post the video for B-School…I still can’t believe it’s on You Tube for everyone to see.  What dawned on me was that everyone I have been avoiding (because of my weight shame) will be able to see how I look.  I guess that strips me of my #1 excuse to avoid seeing long lost friends!

I have decided to apply for a scholarship to B-School which is a course dedicated to online entrepreneurship.  In order to win the scholarship, I had to create a video indicating “who I am, what I do and how my business serves the greater good.”  So, I created the video and posted it on You Tube.  Check it out and let me know what you think: