This is the last stanza of The Buddha’s dharma.  It needs no commentary and speaks for itself.  Enjoy, live and love!

“Believe nothing that binds you to the sole authority of your masters or priests. 

That which you have tried yourself, which you have experienced, which you have

recognized as true,

and which will be beneficial to you and to others; 

believe that, and shape your conduct to it.”

I think I need more joy and levity in my life.  Because I’ve been walking around in a fog for the last umpteen years, I wonder if I’ve lost my zest for living since I suppressed it for so long?  It’s in my control to get the zest back so I’m wondering how to go about it.  Now all I need is the courage to go for it – those body image issues keep creeping in so it’s going to take some fancy self-pep talking.

I’m just ready to move on from being so serious about this transformation.  If you have any ideas for me, please write me a comment!  I can use all the help I can get 😉

I’m single so will not be spending Valentine’s Day with the man of my dreams (at least not this year!).  Instead of being down about it, I’m sending all my love to my friends, family and blog readers.  I hope you all pour your hearts out today and tell the ones you love how you feel about them.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

With love and hearts, Michelle

Dealing with all of these emotions and feelings is new to me.  I’ve been told to feel the emotions; embrace, relish and even appreciate them.  So, when crappy things or realizations dawn, it feels good to wallow in the quagmire.  However, once I cross the line into the abyss of self-pity, it’s time to stop feeling sorry for myself.

When I talked myself out of the wallowing, I thought maybe I was ignoring my feelings, triggering a binge, until I realized there is a fine line between feeling and self-pity.  There comes a point where remaining in the quagmire becomes counter-productive.  The feelings are still there but the focus has to shift elsewhere for a while.  Often, this is a temporary distraction because the feelings are waiting, but some “time away” gives my brain and body a break from the intensity.  I’ll go back to processing the feelings eventually.

I have decided that this is my interpretation of maintaining a “stiff upper lip.”

I’ve realized that after an intense period of enduring negative emotions, I experience an emotional hangover of sorts.  After I’ve experienced and processed the feelings, I emerge feeling emotionally drained but stronger at the same time.  Drained because my heart and mind are recovering from sensory overload and stronger because I have clarity about how to proceed.  Everything in my head makes more sense and I’m more self-assured as a result.

It really is true that after rain there’s a rainbow.

I completely get why I fell into binge-eating to numb my feelings.  I’ve had some pretty strong emotions this weekend including sadness, loneliness and resentment which were pretty painful to experience.  At those painful times, I didn’t resort to bingeing but, by Sunday night, I had enough of feeling these feelings.  I didn’t shut the feelings off by bingeing so my thoughts turned to wanting to escape and wishing I had a different set of issues.  Would things be easier then?  Would life be less painful?  Somehow, I didn’t think so.  So, I engaged my coping skills and rode out the feelings…I guess they’re mine and I’m stuck with them but, man, I really wanted that illusion of escape which bingeing used to  provide.

The Buddha’s dharma continues:

“Do not believe in that which comes to your imagination, thinking that it must be the revelation of a superior Being.”

I wasn’t sure what this exactly meant at first.  After thinking about it, I’ve postulated that maybe it pertains to someone whose imagination concocts evil things upon which they act in the name of a “superior Being” making them think the actions are justified.  I can think of a lot of instances where people manipulate truth to justify actions.  I have done this myself and I’m not proud of it.  I can only strive to seek truth and purity to ensure I don’t behave in this way again…maybe that will be my penance.

For so many years, I have stopped myself from doing things, seeing people and living life because of insecurities regarding my weight.  Although I have had many great experiences, I wonder if my life would have been different had I participated in it fully.

So, I am vowing that I will no longer stop myself from doing things because of said insecurities.  Old habits may intervene but I will do my best to “love what is” and live as though I’m at the perfect weight.  Who knows may happen but I’m excited to find out?!?!

Yesterday’s blog post reminded me of a quote I have loved since reading Hamlet as a teenager.  As Polonius bids farewell to his son, Laertes, he gives this advice:

“This above all – to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

I better understand this advice since I now know what it means to be the “real me.”  “To thine own self be true”, in my case, means not denying emotions and feelings.  It means processing and feeling those emotions so situations are handled truly and with thought instead of with reactions resulting from unprocessed emotions that are often disguised.  In so doing, I’m not only being true to myself but to others because the emotions driving my actions are authentic and not false, thus addressing the last line of the quote.

Wow – that Shakespeare guy was pretty brilliant  🙂

I was never sure what “knowing the real me” meant.  How would I know when I encountered the “real me”?  I was me – wasn’t that the real me?

It wasn’t until last night, where I talked about the intense emotions I felt last week, when my therapist mentioned that that is the “real me.”  Those emotions and feelings are the “real me.”  No wonder I never understood what that meant because I was too busy bingeing to avoid those feelings.  By bingeing, I wasn’t only avoiding my feelings but my true self.