Category Archives: Michelle’s Story

My Daily Bread

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I love this particular spelt bread that can only be bought at Whole Foods.  The problem is that I live in an area where the closest Whole Foods is 40 miles away so I have been stockpiling this bread for a year (it freezes beautifully) so have not been without it.

Imagine my horror when I ran out this week – YIKES!  I typically have it for breakfast everyday and the lack of it has thrown me off so much that I have no idea what to eat now.  Is this healthy?  Is this part of my eating disorder?  Am I too attached to this food?  Or maybe I’m just crazy and quirky?

In any event, my horror will be over on Saturday because a whole case of the stuff is waiting for me at Whole Foods!  My world will be right again on Sunday… 🙂

Binge Boyfriend

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I realize now that I had a profound relationship with my bingeing and it became my boyfriend, in a way.  I planned for it, prepared for it, was excited to do it, needed its comfort and relished the privacy in which I did it.  I guess it’s like any unhealthy relationship, it’s wonderful while it lasts but, when it’s over, leaves you feeling empty, alone and miserable.

Macros

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I’m always working to improve my eating patterns and behaviors.  One of the most important nutritional principles is achieving a good macronutrient balance which means including protein, healthy fats and healthy carbohydrates at each meal.  I find that getting the protein in is hardest for me.

Eating this way does require planning but my body runs more efficiently and I feel so much better when I make the effort.  Try it – you just might discover something new about your eating preferences!

Missing Something

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Sometimes, I really miss bingeing.  I miss the comfort it provided, the “alone” time I relished while doing it and the numbing affect of painful feelings.  It was bliss…until it wasn’t.  Inevitably, the feelings of shame and guilt set in and then the self-loathing began.  But, despite all of that, I really do miss it.

Winter Blues

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Yesterday was the 1st day of spring and I’m glad to welcome the new season.  I live in the Northeast so don’t complain about the cold and snow because it comes with the territory and I even like the weather sometimes.  However, at the end of February and beginning of March I find myself getting the winter blues.  The thought of hot sand and sunshine is never far from my mind.

I really do think the cloudy and gray days result in a dampened mood because when the sun peeks through, my mood brightens.  All of these mood fluctuations are new to me because I never paid attention before so I’m experimenting to see what affects it.  I am surprised at how much affects mood and am amazed at how oblivious I was to it all.

All or Nothing

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I tend to jump into things as “all or nothing” with no gray area in between which is quite common for those with eating disorders.  Therefore, it has been extremely important for me to learn that the uncomfortable gray area is a wonderful place.

For example,  I’m a Diet Coke drinker – it’s my chosen from of caffeine in the morning and I have been wanting to stop drinking it for a while.  I even went so far as to bet my friend that I could stop drinking the stuff for a month – I won the bet and got a great sushi dinner!  Unfortunately, I was back to the morning fix in no time.  This was my all or nothing way to stop the behavior.  This time, I’ve decided that I won’t make the edict that I stop drinking Diet Coke but I won’t make it easily accessible to me either.  This way, I have to go out of my way to get it in the morning so I can decide if the fix is worth the inconvenience or not.

I’ve found this to be a wonderful solution – allowing myself to have it (if I want to make the effort) seems like a gentler way to stop the habit than a “force quit.”  The gray area is more forgiving and gives me permission to be perfectly flawed!  🙂

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

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I propose that the word “should” be eliminated from our vocabulary.  “Should” is used to refer to something probable or expected.  I especially believe that this word not be used when telling someone how to feel.  For example, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”  The reality is that you do!

Whenever I use this word, it implies that I’m not doing something that is expected. I very rarely explore if the expectation results from external or internal forces or is truly what I believe to be true.  Most of my “shoulds” are created by unknown others so I’m trying to meet standards with which I don’t agree.  My self-imposed “shoulds” only serve to make me feel inadequate and reinforces my belief that I’m not good enough.  So, I should remove the word from my vocabulary but will I and can I?

Strangling Struggles

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Do you ever feel that life is a struggle you can’t escape?  I used to “struggle” with life daily but it has lessened some since I entered treatment.  The focus on these struggles can figuratively strangle and trap me in my head with my negative, self-loathing thoughts.  If I wasn’t struggling enough to begin with, add the negative thoughts and my train of misery has left the station with a one-way ticket to melancholy-ville.

The answer is simple…stop struggling.  But is it really that simple?

Mindfulness

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I became very interested in Buddhism when I began to see a therapist who uses mindfulness as one strategy to treat me and my Binge-Eating Disorder.  Thanks to her, I practice mindfulness meditation once a day and mindfulness throughout the day which is at the heart of Buddha’s teachings.

Thich Nhat Hanh is a Vietnamese Buddhist monk who writes, “When we are mindful, touching deeply the present moment, the fruits are always understanding, acceptance, love, and the desire to relieve suffering and bring joy.”  

Since I started practicing mindfulness (and when I remember to focus on the present moment!), I find myself less stressed out, less annoyed and more tolerant.  Focusing on the present moment allows for thoughtful processing of situations instead of knee jerk reactions causing regretful behavior.  As with most things, I work at this everyday but it’s not a burden, it’s my blessing.  Enjoy, live and love today!

Pre-Intervention

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Prior to my mom’s intervention, I really didn’t care what happened to me.  Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t reckless or suicidal (I’m a wimp when it comes to anticipating pain) but I wasn’t scared of having a heart attack or anything else that could happen as a result of being so heavy.  At that point, I had tried every diet and exercise program and was so defeated and despondent because I never stuck to them so nothing improved.  I had no idea what to do so I kept eating, gaining more weight, feeling ashamed and embarrassed and like a complete failure.  My relationships with family and friends were superficial, at best.  I avoided many social situations and deflected conversation pertaining to me for fear of having to open up.  I was functioning, going to work and hanging out with family and friends but I now realize that I was just going through the motions.  I am amazed that I even did that given the deflated emotional state in which I existed.