I’ve realized that I haven’t related to myself very well for many years, it was like I was a zombie walking around in my own life.  I didn’t notice who I really was or acknowledged what I was good at but I certainly knew my shortcomings because I ruminated on them.

During this transformation, I’m seeing myself clearly for the first time.  I’ve decided that I will focus on my positive qualities to enhance them and either accept or improve on the qualities that don’t quite serve me.  It’s been interesting and sometimes surprising to discover myself in this way, it’s like I’m being introduced to the “real” Michelle for the first time.

Buddha’s dharma continues:

“Do not believe a thing because the probabilities are in its favor, or because you are in the habit of believing it to be true.”

I had a lot of preconceived notions that had been planted by my family and experiences…some were real and some assumed.  However, during my transformation journey, I have come to examine them to see if they still hold true.  In almost all cases, they aren’t true but I was in the habit of believing them all these years.  What a relief when I realized that these notions weren’t true because many of them had to do with weight, appearance and me not being good enough.  I highly recommend examining preconceived notions, it could change one’s whole outlook on life!

My feelings of anxiety waxed and waned until the service of the sad event I attended yesterday started.  Once the service began, I relaxed into myself and embraced the powerful eulogies that were so lovingly delivered.

It was very nice seeing people I hadn’t seen in a while and I think I may have even rekindled a friendship.  Going back to my roots, having been away from them, was a little difficult because so much has happened but I’m glad I had this experience because I think the next event will be easier.  Maybe I AM finally learning to love myself.

I attended a very dear and wonderful woman’s funeral today whom I had known since elementary school.  She was my best friend’s grandmother and we all loved her so I’m sad to have said goodbye to her today.  My heart goes out to my friend and her family during this time of grief.

Go in love and peace, Grandma Truman.

I will be attending a very sad event today to support one of my closest and dear friends.  At this gathering people, whom I haven’t seen in many years, will be attending which is causing me anxiety because I have gained so much weight since I last saw them and because I am the size that I am.

It’s interesting that I never realized that this feeling of anxiety was the primary reason for me making excuses to ditch events over the years.  I want this time to be different so I’m telling myself that I am beautiful, that I don’t care what people think about my weight (remembering the internal vs. external feedback blog I wrote earlier this week) and that I will be happy to catch up with people I haven’t seen in years.  It works for a while until my old thoughts manifesting the anxiety creep up and then I have to work to weave more positive thoughts manifesting a sense of peace instead.  This is difficult mental jockeying but worth it in the end if it brings me one step closer to alleviating some suffering in my life.

Have you ever been in a frenzy or were so anxious to do something or get something that you physically felt the effects (i.e. shaking, rushing around, butterflies)?  Well, that’s how I describe what it feels like when I have the urge to binge or even eat a meal, in some cases.  It’s like I can’t buy the food fast enough, get home fast enough, get it on the plate fast enough (if it gets out of the packaging!) or eat it fast enough.  I get so worked up that, before I know it, the binge is over and I’m left feeling full, ashamed and guilty without having even tasted the food.

I have learned, after 18 months and a lot of practice, to recognize this feeding frenzy, stop in my tracks and breathe.  Believe it or not, this helps a great deal and will often shock me out of the frenzied behavior.  I experienced this frenzy last weekend and I wonder if it will ever go away or if I’ll always have the propensity for it?

My uncle, with whom I’m very close, shared an interesting thought he had while reading my blog.  He said he was amazed that, although we’ve talked about all sorts of stuff for hours, he never knew I had these thoughts that I’m now sending out to cyber space.

For so long, I didn’t share my thoughts with anyone, except on a very superficial level.  I’m not sure exactly why but maybe I didn’t see them clearly, couldn’t communicate them properly or was ashamed of them and myself so didn’t want to tell anyone.  This demonstrates how isolated I was because even though I was interacting with family and friends, they didn’t really know me.  This is something I hope to change because I truly want to be known.

Today is my grandmother’s birthday but I won’t be saying “Happy Birthday” to her on this earth plane because she passed away last May at the age of 87.  This was truly a blessing because she was suffering so much that I’m glad it’s over for her.  Of course, I still miss her and become sad when the crazy things that only she could have said or done come up.  Then mild guilt sets in because, maybe, I could have been more patient with her at the end when she asked me the same question 5 times in 10 minutes.  Mostly, though, I remember the good times, how grateful I am to have had her as a grandmother and how much I loved her.

Happy Birthday, Nanny….wherever you are.

So many things can be analyzed by looking at them through the lenses of external opinion and internal opinion….physical appearance, self-love/worth, validation of actions or praise for a job well done.

Receiving external, positive reinforcement was, perhaps, the sole way I found self-worth. I used to believe that if I didn’t get validation from someone else for something I accomplished, it wasn’t worth mentioning.  So, I spent all my time seeking others’ approval to the exclusion of seeking my own.  However, I found that there could never be enough positive feedback to make me feel good enough.  Besides never being enough, the comments may not have been as enthusiastic as I’d like or worded the right way to validate the action in my mind.

I now realize that I’m the only one who can provide assurance that I’m worthy.  Only I can give myself exactly the right amount of positive feedback in just the right tone.  I need to do and say things that make ME proud of myself so I can be my sole source of self-love and self-worth.

Don’t get me wrong, I still want the external praise, I just won’t stake my life on it.

The Buddha’s dharma (teaching) continues:

“Do not believe a thing because of the single witness of one of the sages of antiquity.”

When I read this line, it makes me think of organized religious beliefs where so many put blind faith in the teachings of various scripture.  Accepting the ideas blindly without thought can be dangerous and has led to many wars but accepting ideas with comprehensive, conscious thought can be beautiful and very meaningful.  The power of invoking blind faith should not be underestimated because it can provide a profound sense of comfort and security in a very uncertain world.

This stanza seems to reference a clue to achieving humankind’s greatest good because these particular individual beliefs, when combined and formulated on loving kindness, could potentially bring peace to the world.

How’s that for a deep thought on a Sunday?  🙂

In the eating disorder world, the term used for getting better or banishing symptoms is “recovery.”  Recovery has many definitions but the most relevant I found was in the Merriam-Webster dictionary and is as follows:  “the act or process of returning to a normal state after a period of difficulty.”

I’ve always been uncomfortable using the word recovery to refer to my journey through the dark world of my eating disorder.  Truthfully, I felt stupid using the term and wondered why, hence, my look up of the actual definition.  I now understand why I don’t like the term because I don’t want to get back to normal.  I don’t even remember what my normal was since I’ve been struggling with this for 30 out of my 41 years…did I even develop a normal?  I want to define a new and fabulous normal where “returning” to anything isn’t on the agenda because moving forward is the way to healing.

So, I’ve decided that I’m going to use the word “transformation” to describe my journey which means “to change (something) completely and usually in a good way.”  Although daunting, it’s more fun to re-invent than to return back to something, isn’t it?