In the eating disorder world, the term used for getting better or banishing symptoms is “recovery.”  Recovery has many definitions but the most relevant I found was in the Merriam-Webster dictionary and is as follows:  “the act or process of returning to a normal state after a period of difficulty.”

I’ve always been uncomfortable using the word recovery to refer to my journey through the dark world of my eating disorder.  Truthfully, I felt stupid using the term and wondered why, hence, my look up of the actual definition.  I now understand why I don’t like the term because I don’t want to get back to normal.  I don’t even remember what my normal was since I’ve been struggling with this for 30 out of my 41 years…did I even develop a normal?  I want to define a new and fabulous normal where “returning” to anything isn’t on the agenda because moving forward is the way to healing.

So, I’ve decided that I’m going to use the word “transformation” to describe my journey which means “to change (something) completely and usually in a good way.”  Although daunting, it’s more fun to re-invent than to return back to something, isn’t it?

People with eating disorders often use symptoms (i.e. bingeing) to numb or avoid their feelings.  Because of this, once the decision is made to stop the behavior, the feelings creep in.  It is one of the most terrifying and uncomfortable situations I have ever experienced.  What’s worse is that I was so out of practice identifying feelings that I couldn’t react to, work through or deal with them.  Where would I begin if I didn’t know what they were?

So, most of my treatment has centered around identifying feelings so I can mull them over and decide to act on them or not.  Luckily, I’m getting better at it!  I was faced with a complex situation and, after analyzing my feelings, I identified that there were 2 things I needed to address.  One, was how someone else felt about my actions and the second was how I felt about my actions.  I spoke to the “someone else” about my feelings and found out that my conclusion about their feelings was wrong.  In fact, I was pleasantly surprised by the outcome of the conversation.  I processed my own feelings and made a decision about which I felt comfortable.

This accomplishment, which may be routine for others, was a breakthrough for me.  I actually feel like I handled my emotions maturely and discovered that addressing them wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be.  It makes me wonder why I was bingeing to escape them all these years??

On Sunday, I went to a Buddhist Center to attend a meditation workshop.  During the lecture portion of the workshop, the teacher started talking about the EXACT same subject about which I posted on Sunday (“Don’t Believe The Rumor – 3”) which was not to believe the general opinion because it’s been said but believe (or not) because it’s been experienced.  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing until I remembered that what you focus on grows.   I was focused on this Buddhist passage for the blog post and it was reinforced to me later that day…it grew.

I have experienced this many times in my life even to the point of “focusing” so much on the negative that I caused a situation that jeopardized my entire livelihood.  We all have the power to manifest things in our lives even though we think we are without control over such things.  When you question this, think back to what you thought were coincidences.  Were they really coincidences or were they manifestations?

I mentioned last week that I hadn’t taken lunch breaks consistently the week prior and suspected that this was the cause of my digestive and overeating issues.  The experiment was for me to take a proper lunch break and not eat at my desk to see if I felt differently last week.

The results are in and the answer is a resounding “YES.”  My digestion was better, I didn’t have stomachaches, was more satiated and didn’t feel the need to snack in the afternoon because I ate more slowly and mindfully.

I highly recommend that you try your own experiment to see if eating slowly and mindfully works for you and makes a difference in how you feel after you eat.  If you choose to accept this mission, please post a comment on how your experiment went!  Buon Appetito!

I LOVE music and often look to lyrics for inspiration.  Here’s a lyric that I particularly love:

“Where you invest your love, you invest your life.”

~ Mumford and Sons from “Awake My Soul”

To me, this means that what you choose to spend time thinking about, doing and cultivating consistently is something you love and, therefore, becomes your life.  For me, I spent so many years “loving” engaging in self-hatred, torturous dieting and isolating that that became my life which was pretty empty and lonely.  The choices one makes in loving becomes one’s life so I’m thinking that now is the time for me to choose a little more wisely…

When I was in the throes of a binge, obtaining food was extremely important and, sometimes, very strategic.  Normally, I was embarrassed about the amount of food I was purchasing.  I even went so far as to mention to the cashier that the food was for two or bought two drinks to make it seem like another person was partaking in the food I was buying.  It was even worse when I had seen a particular cashier before because I didn’t want to engage or acknowledge them since I just knew they could see the binge intention in my eyes along with the shame that accompanied it.

Although I haven’t bought like this in a while, I still experience the feelings of shame and embarrassment when I’m buying food in normal amounts.  Just this morning, I made sure to avoid ordering a bagel from the cashier that helped me last week.  I guess old habits die hard.

Buddha’s poem continues…

“Do not believe a thing because the general opinion believes it to be true or because it has been said repeatedly.”

It takes so much courage to believe differently from others or from society.  We, as a culture, send mixed messages of what the general opinion is or should be.  In the words of one of my Commentators, “It is grossly unfair that the food and beverage industries have driven children to unhealthy life styles and often obesity on the one hand while the fashion industry has sent a message that only skinny women and men with six-packs are up to par.”

With such mixed messages, it becomes even more important to carefully analyze the values and images that are promoted and make determinations about what our beliefs are based upon our positive and negative experiences and their examination.  Only then can one establish their truth which may or may not be different from society’s and only then can one muster the courage to be different.

It has taken me a long time to get to a point where I can talk about my binge-eating disorder diagnosis.  In truth, I was embarrassed about it.  I felt that I was making excuses for being overweight and not owning up to the fact that I couldn’t succeed at diets and exercise.  It was as if I was letting myself off the hook and allowing myself to take the easy way out by shunning conventional diets for eating disorder treatment.

I sometimes still feel this way but I don’t let these thoughts stop me from writing my story because sharing it has turned out to be quite therapeutic and a great substitute for those conventional diets.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve based my self-worth on how much I weigh.  I’m worthy and lovable if thin, unworthy and unlovable if heavy despite my non-weight related successes.  I now realize that, in the entire scheme of things, weight and appearance aren’t the important things in life.  Relying on one’s weight and appearance to determine self-worth is a superficial measure of a soul’s humanity.**

I am trying very hard to dispel this belief and, when I’m successful, the question becomes:  how do I determine my self-worth when I’m not focused on weight as the indicator?  Who am I, as a person, if weight isn’t defining me anymore?  Dismantling this belief, reinforced over 30 years, turns me deeply inward to find answers which is more than a bit scary.  Although, I am curious because, after all, I’m not really sure where to look or what I’m going to find.

**A healthy weight and good hygiene are important for good health but my core belief never included them so I’m not talking about them here.