I booked a trip to Colorado in May because I will be a conference (excited!). Previously, when I’ve booked trips, I always counted the months until departure and calculated the amount of weight I could lose until I left . I never, not even once, got close to losing the calculated amount of weight. The urge to do this calculation is rearing its ugly head since I just booked a trip. Instead, I will “love what is” and think about the people I’ll meet and the friends with whom I’ll reconnect instead of torturing myself with more numbers.
Experiences
In thinking about the “Don’t Believe the Rumor” passage, I have come to the conclusion that my experiences, thus far, have solidified my toxic belief that I’m not good enough because of my weight. I’ve had at least 5 experiences where men, ranging from relatives to boyfriends to complete strangers, have negatively commented about my weight. One went so far as to say that I needed to lose weight in order to get married.
Unfortunately, these comments came at times in my life where I was already insecure about my appearance so they served to further ingrain the belief. It has been so difficult to even begin to overcome these experiences and rid myself of this toxic thinking. I continue to work on it but I really wish people would keep their comments to themselves sometimes.
Scholarship Result
I didn’t get the scholarship to B-School but, after the initial disappointment, I’m happy that I decided to go out on a limb, record that video and post it. It was worth the effort because I’ve proven that I am transforming. A year ago I NEVER would have posted a video of myself online so this is a big accomplishment. I will just have to find another way to enroll in B-School – nothing worth having comes easy, right?!?!
Worry Warts
Why do we worry? More importantly, why do we spend so much time worrying about our weight? Most people don’t worry about weight for health reasons but for vanity reasons…why? I bet that the amount of energy I expended, throughout my entire life worrying about weight, could provide an alternative energy source to the US releasing our reliance on foreign oil!
Although I have stopped some of this worrying, I still find myself doing a good amount of it regarding weight. What if what I’m doing stops working and I don’t continue to lose weight or progress through my transformation? What if no one will date me because of how much I weigh? Will others comment on my weight?
It’s really quite exhausting. If this energy was harnessed into a more worthy endeavor I bet it would be pretty successful…If only getting rid of the worry were that easy!
Body Avoidance
I’m still thinking about that video. It was so hard to see what I looked like the first time I watched it…it’s still hard to watch. You see, I have severe mirror and body avoidance so, when I look in the mirror, it is rarely for long and rarely full length. So, I don’t really SEE myself but, when it’s reflected back in a video, there is no denying the truth. Of course, I didn’t like what I saw and was disappointed that I’m not thinner. But, I’m going to own my weight and face the reality. Maybe if I own it, the reality will be easier to accept and I won’t spend so much energy avoiding it.
Treatment – Cont
Two meals were served at the treatment center, breakfast and lunch which was the biggest adjustment for me. I was given limited choices, a finite amount of food to eat and a time frame in which to eat it. Eating with a group of girls who were anorexic and bulimic and who didn’t want to eat was really uncomfortable. Here I was hoping for more food and trying to stretch the portion so I didn’t finish it within the first 5 minutes of the 30 minute meal when the others were trying to avoid it at all costs! What a foreign concept. To make matters worse, we had to avoid food rituals that I didn’t even know were food rituals until the counselor scolded me when I engaged in the behavior. Can you say awkward?!?!
Long Lost Friends
It took a lot for me to post the video for B-School…I still can’t believe it’s on You Tube for everyone to see. What dawned on me was that everyone I have been avoiding (because of my weight shame) will be able to see how I look. I guess that strips me of my #1 excuse to avoid seeing long lost friends!
B-School
I have decided to apply for a scholarship to B-School which is a course dedicated to online entrepreneurship. In order to win the scholarship, I had to create a video indicating “who I am, what I do and how my business serves the greater good.” So, I created the video and posted it on You Tube. Check it out and let me know what you think:
Don’t Believe The Rumor #7 & Final
This is the last stanza of The Buddha’s dharma. It needs no commentary and speaks for itself. Enjoy, live and love!
“Believe nothing that binds you to the sole authority of your masters or priests.
That which you have tried yourself, which you have experienced, which you have
recognized as true,
and which will be beneficial to you and to others;
believe that, and shape your conduct to it.”
Zesty Life
I think I need more joy and levity in my life. Because I’ve been walking around in a fog for the last umpteen years, I wonder if I’ve lost my zest for living since I suppressed it for so long? It’s in my control to get the zest back so I’m wondering how to go about it. Now all I need is the courage to go for it – those body image issues keep creeping in so it’s going to take some fancy self-pep talking.
I’m just ready to move on from being so serious about this transformation. If you have any ideas for me, please write me a comment! I can use all the help I can get 😉