I have anger issues.  I’m not embarrassed to admit it but I have been ashamed of my behavior at times when I’ve reacted to a situation out of anger.  I’ve been working on trying to release my anger and I think the work may be paying off!  I had a situation yesterday that, a few months ago, would have gotten me so angry that I would have given someone a major attitude about it.  When this situation presented itself, I felt myself getting annoyed and angry but was able to recognize it and pull it back into a more constructive emotion.  Because, really, in the scheme of things does the unexpected Directv guy’s visit really warrant anger and the energy it takes to be angry?  I don’t think so although if you saw the movie, The Cable Guy, you may beg to differ!  🙂

I’m going through yet another transition in my life from working full-time at an office to working full-time from home.  During these times of transition, I’ve noticed a pattern with my food habits and become confused about food.  Yes, I know I have been eating for 41 years now and I know, intellectually, what nutritious meals consist of but I just can’t get it together during times of change!  Eventually I will create a routine that works but this floundering is for the birds…

Back in January I blogged about an event I went to where people I hadn’t seen in many years attended and which caused me great anxiety.  The good news is I survived and the even better news is that I have a similar event today about which I have very little anxiety.  In thinking about why my anxiety has decreased, I’ve come up with 2 reasons.  One is that I endured the first event which went better than expected.  The second is that my revelation that “I’m The Only One” who needs to approve of myself eliminated some of the thoughts about what others will think of my weight.  I’m not gonna lie…I have a little anxiety and have thoughts about what others will think but they don’t hold as much weight (pardon the pun!) as before thereby diminishing their importance.  Maybe, just maybe, I can see my way to a healthier body image and self-esteem someday soon.

I’m sorry that I missed posting over the last few days.  I continued to have technical issues with my website that are resolved and I look forward to being back daily.  If you like what you’re reading, please share with your friends and subscribe to get new posts sent directly to your email!

I have been feeling under the weather this week with a bad cold and have felt the urge to binge.  I think it has something to do with the need for comfort while ill.  I’ve avoided the temptation because who really wants to binge with a sick person’s appetite?  Another lesson learned though and will add being sick to my list of triggers.

About a week ago a white man in Detroit hit a black boy with his car.  The man stopped the car and got out to check on the boy who didn’t have any life-threatening injuries.  Then a group of 5 black men approached the white man and proceeded to beat him until a black retired nursing home worker stopped the men.  The white man was beaten so badly he slipped into a coma and is still recovering in the hospital.  The nursing home worker has been honored for her intervention and rightly so.

This story is heart-breaking to me for many reasons…the racial tension, the out of control anger, the violence, the assumptions and, most of all, the lack of humanity and compassion.  All because of a terrible yet unintentional event.

I can’t help but think if we were a more compassionate society, things like this could be avoided.  Maybe it’s naive but I think more compassion in the world would give individuals and communities a more peaceful existence.

…binge the other day.  Interestingly enough, I’m not beating myself up about it.  I have a twinge of disappointment about it but I did it, was aware that I was doing it and can’t take it back.  I don’t feel guilty but wish I didn’t turn to this old habit to deal with difficult emotions.  Most importantly, I know WHY I did it – I’ve been confronting a lot of things I’ve ignored for most of my life which causes tears, painful emotions and, sometimes, difficult conversations.

I’m not sure that I will ever eliminate binges from my life and I’m not sure that I need to as long as they are few and far between and not keeping me from being emotionally and physically healthy.  After all, perfection isn’t the goal, progress is!

Have you been to a restaurant where they offer a light menu in addition to the regular menu?  I went to one this weekend and had no idea what to do…I was literally warring with myself over which menu I would order from.  I really wanted to order off the regular menu but found myself feeling guilty for not wanting the food on the “skinny” menu…I have weight to lose so have no business even considering the regular menu, right?  Finally, I realized this was ridiculous, returned to mindful and intuitive eating principles and chose what my body wanted…I ordered off the regular menu 🙂

Summer’s coming which means warm weather which means more revealing clothing.  As you can imagine, this causes me a lot of anxiety and negative body image thoughts.  I just wish that I could put on a t-shirt without having to worry about my wobbly bits and pieces showing.  It’s painful to shop for clothes when what you envision yourself buying doesn’t look good.  How very depressing.  I try to end posts on a positive note but I just don’t have it in me today – I guess I have an early case of the Summertime Blues.

Enjoy, live and love, Michelle

Since I’ve been feeling emotions and not numbing them out, I’ve noticed that I tend to be moody meaning I can be happy one minute and angry the next.  How interesting that I condemned myself for being moody when it is a completely normal state of being for a human.  I asked, “how long will I feel this way?” and “how can I regulate my moods?”  The answer is that my emotions will swing throughout the day but how I react to them makes all the difference. After all, I don’t want to run away from them (we know that doesn’t work…hello, binge-eating disorder!) because my emotions are me.  Face them, manage them with love and move on is the strategy!

I often say, “Denial is a great place to live until you realize you’re living there.”  Denial was the only thing keeping me functioning during the worst of my Binge-Eating Disorder.  It allowed me to bury my head in the sand and not address the underlying issues of the disorder so it helped a little but damaged a lot.  It wasn’t until I started treatment that I realized how far in denial I was.  In fact, I’m still uncovering aspects of my life and personality about which I was/am in denial.  It’s freedom when you realize what you were denying because you can address and release it.  After all, most of us are in denial because we don’t want to face the unpleasantness of the truth but this just traps us in the negativity of a lie.

Release from denial…you’ll be glad you did because there is nothing like the feeling of freedom for the soul.