About 3 weeks ago, I posted that I was doing a photo shoot for some head shots. Well, I received the finished photos and they look great! Even so, I was very disappointed that I look so heavy. I felt all the same emotions I’ve been having for the last 20 years…sadness, disgust, regret, shame, embarrassment and all because of my weight. Of course, the most prominent thought was, “What will people who haven’t seen me in a long time think?” The next thought was “Who will love me at this weight?” My chest and torso began to feel tight with anxiety because of all these thoughts and emotions. It truly overshadowed the joy of receiving beautifully taken photos.
Amidst all this turmoil, I had a thought that stopped my rant in its tracks which was “Do I have to think these things?” It was the first time that I realized I don’t have to subscribe to the same old thoughts and beliefs that have fueled my shame and embarrassment in the past. Who cares what people who haven’t seen me in a while think?!?! Why be embarrassed and ashamed of myself? I haven’t murdered, maimed, tortured or been knowingly unkind to anybody. In fact, I’m dedicating my life to helping others break down their own toxic beliefs! I’ve battled an eating disorder and have become stronger and healthier. I may not be at a weight that is healthiest or pleasing to me but it’s temporary. I have the power to change through soul searching, listening to my body wisdom and treating myself with love and kindness. Most importantly, I am still changing.
This revelation was such a relief! My chest loosened up and my brain stopped its frenzied thinking. I began to look at the situation more objectively and, although, some negative feelings remain, they are quieter. The most important “take away” from this experience is that I don’t have to believe the same things I have for years and years. My beliefs, opinions and thoughts about things can change based on my experiences. Thus far, my experiences have reinforced my toxic beliefs but, what if, changing my beliefs can create more positive experiences? It’s definitely an experiment worth trying.
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